When life hits

Life is one of those crazy things, everything could be going right and then bam, curve ball. Which is to be expected, it is life and we have no way of telling what is going to happen. 

I took a break because mentally I couldn't handle everything. My life is pretty standard, I think. Busyness of being a mom and all the house work, and my normal job on top of that. All kinda bogged me down. I feel like that's pretty normal. Now this isn't a post about depression it's a post about life. I think some people realize that not every day will be 'sunflower and rainbows' some days are just days. You push through them to get to the next day to do the same thing. 

Over the last year with all the stuff going on in the world and all the negative news it just got to the point where you felt hopeless. Being told from people that "were of authority" (by whose definition?) that you couldn't do things, especially things that brought you joy, was demoralizing. Life is about living, correct? But you're telling everyone to basically stop, for what reason? Now I understand the magnitude of what is going on in the world, I understand that people are getting sick, I also understand that it is NOT others fault if I get sick. 

This year has robbed me of a ton of things. One that will always hurt is not knowing that my last hug with my grandpa was going to be my last hug. Not getting to say a proper "see you later". I will never get that back. At a point where it was pivotal in my grandmas grieving she wasn't allowed to with family. All I wanted to do was hug my grandma and be there for her. But alas we were told we couldn't. 

Now, I am not saying my grief is any more important than anyone else. I couldn't put a number on the people that have similar stories. It's something we sadly all share, but we share it none the less. Grief is a wound, invisable at best. I don't feel it ever leaves you, it just becomes a scar that can open back up when you least expect it. I get trapped wondering if my grandpa ever made it back to Missouri, if he ever found his dad and brothers he always asked about. I get lost trying to find little hints that he's watching over me and my girls, who always ask for stories I have about their Great Grandpa. 

I must admit that there has been many times through this year that I have "put on a smile" to hide the pain I'm dealing with. I feel everyone has at least once in their life, I also feel like that's normal. Now I'm sure there propbably a psychologist out there that would disagree or think I need some type of tharapy or anti-depressants. Or there are some out there that would agree. Life gets heavy sometimes but we learn to cope with it and let that experience be something we learn from. 

This year I've learned not to take things for granted. My time is precous, the time I spend with my loved ones is precous and ever evading. I've learned that my house will be a mess because I'm spending more time with my girls and watching them grown, then doing the dishes. The laundry will be there tomorrow but that time won't. 

So take that time, keep living the way you want to and soak up everything you need. More importantly it's ok to not be okay all the time. Your friends will understand, your family will understand, and if they get it at all, they will be there even if its to just sit next to you in your silence while you fight whatever fight you are fighting.